We all have some type of fear.
Heck, probably a few things that raise alarms.
Afraid of judgment, missing out, not finding our person, nor fitting into our “village”.
Overall, afraid of not being enough, or having enough money, time, resources.
The toxic positivity movement of social media has taught society
to just merely “be courageous”,
as well as “walk without fear”,
and “stand tall, be fearless”
Yet, in my observation, none of that actually works.
During the research, it was discovered: Fear is meant to teach.
Fear can only teach if we allow it.
The Point of Fear is to protect and teach.
Fear is first meant to protect, by teaching what is safe or not safe.
Yet unacknowledged fear can cause two different knee-jerk reactions.
Likewise, stubbornness hides fear behind a facade of “fearlessness” to prove a point,
that one has no fear, nor is controlled by fear.
Another knee-jerk reaction is to cling to the comfort zone, to feel safe.
Both reactions are not leaning into listening to the fear and learning from it.
Each reaction shows the relationship one has with fear.
Along with toxic positivity movement blaring “you got this, you can do it, JUST DO IT.”
Many religious texts discuss not being led by fear.
These communities have preached “trust in ___”.
Then daily decisions “What would ___ do?”
Where is the cross-over of the two?
“Trust in them, what would they do right now?”
Would they ignore their feelings? Or stay in their comfort zone?
Lastly, would they fake it?
Faking it is self-preservation to avoid judgment.
Toxic Positivity and religious societies, push differently worded messages. Their messages squished together, combine into
“Stand tall, have no fear, trust in ____, be courageous because just do it.”
Now enter into unspoken expectations of society: if you aren’t making it, matching expected performance, then fake it.
That expectation to perform from society is the one creating fear of judgment.
Cue Elsa belting, “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them in.”
Think the next line is something along the lines of, be the person you always have to be.
Consequently, maybe that is why so many adults related and still relate to the ice queen.
She was the queen of faking, from the fear of judgment.
The following article expands on the premise that faking life, doesn’t work.
Click here if you have time to read the article.
Here is an overview.
” Why faking it doesn’t really work.
It stops learning.
Why do we do it?
Face it you make it.”
Instead of faking and hiding fears, start facing till one makes it.
That is after all, what Elsa ended up doing, as well as most religiously written people did too.
Embrace being human, no matter the title one carries.
As well as the freedom to grow from not knowing or being as skillful as others.
In the time of expected performance, expected knowledge,
and faking till one makes it, can be overwhelming.
Life can feel like a scam, due to fear of not being accepted, knowing enough, performing well enough.
What if society made it cool to openly say the following:
I have not seen/researched/heard enough to form an educated opinion, and although I have a knee-jerk reaction– that is an emotional reaction, not a thought-through opinion, I would like time to form my thought.
Currently, I am still working and learning this skill, this is what I have learned so far; I have enjoyed learning what failed or worked well.
To be more authentic, I am working on becoming who I want to be from where I am in my journey of who I am now.
Would less judgment take away fear and make authentic honesty more peace bringing?
Case in point, there was an enormous court case that splashed the news recently,
from a company that faked it a little too much, to make it. Got taken to court as a scam.
Yet if one were to talk with the owner and workers, they would hear how the technology was ahead of its time
and just needed some more time. The company just didn’t want to lose investors from judgment,
by coming forward with the honesty of needing more time to produce, and feared breaking promises.
The company feared, losing funding, and good word of mouth.
Take away the social media timeline of success,
as well as the quick and harsh judgment of a human who does not fit the mold.
That is one less area of society-approved judgment,
read more about those in society-approved judgments in a former blog.
So can we all see a pattern here?
Society approves judgments, applying pressure and stress.
Then that same society goes,
“WAIT I have a solution to help with stress!
Just fake it till you make it!”
Which only increases the pressure to appear like everything is put together
and to have that instant success.
It is as if it is not an actual, feasible, and useful solution,
almost like it is poison wrapped in a fake made label.
Creating fear for being honest with ourselves and others of progress in the journey.
Ironically, facing fear starts with honesty.
Then after the “OH MY GOODNESS, why did I do that?!”
There is a peace that sneaks into old stress-filled loci.
Honesty from self can feel like judgment before one starts listening to needs, wants
as well as strengths and weaknesses.
Facing not faking until one makes it,
doesn’t take the sting of frustration away.
Authenticity, Honesty, and Sincerity make individuals feel better about themselves.
However, they are not shields from stinging judgments or frustrations from others.
That still sucks, and won’t stop until society learns to breathe collectively through life, without expectations.
Yet, in fear…confidence is hiding.
Sitting with our own disappointments and frustrations lowers the heaviness of judgment from others.
Still stings to not be where we want to be, but we can tell ourselves what we are doing to try to get there.
We gain confidence in what we are capable of doing.
We face the fear of not being “good enough.”
By realizing strengths and weaknesses, learning what to improve upon, the power of outside judgments becomes weaker.
Returning the power to where it belongs, to begin with, ourselves.
The humans that want to grow, not just be judged.
Fear hides Confidence.
Confidence lies in what each of us faces and learning what we can do.
As well as teaches us, what is not only safe but what we can improve upon.
Personal lesson: fear of judgment encourages more fears.
On a personal note, going from praises for strengths to being torn down because of them,
not only fed the fear of judgment from others but other fears as well.
For example, the common switch up I have had throughout my life is being praised for knowledge,
yet in the moment of speaking up and that same knowledge be used against a topic…
suddenly rapid knee-jerk judgment of “you aren’t that smart.”
Typically more is said than that, but for ease of reading, we’ll keep it short.
Anyhow, the switch-up use to feed the fear that I did not research enough.
Which then fed into the fear that I was not open enough,
which then watered the bitter seeds of not being enough overall.
That then shrunk my voice, because I believed I was not enough to speak up.
Instead, I fueled that fear into an extremely unhealthy obsession with research.
Every time I was told that I was not that smart,
I would research from the perspective of the insult thrower.
Mostly during that time, I relearned my facts and often expanded on them
as I deep-dived into understanding a perspective that was not my own and asked the question “why”.
After years of similar insults and conversation cycles, one thing became clear.
I was never insulted by someone who knew more than me.
I was taught, not insulted.
Mutual points and facts were explained better by them.
Someone who researched more than me, and knew more than me,
never called me a know-it-all or flipped the switch on praises.
They asked where I got my information, listened as I explained.
Following that question, they asked what I was afraid of if I were wrong,
and how that fear could make me blind.
Turning a debate into a discussion of inward observations.
Realizing this pattern,
I started to find my voice again without needing to research 10 times to feel confident,
before feeling easily discouraged.
Ironic as I type weekly blogs and daily long captions on social media, I know.
Maybe this is why I felt such a gut instinct to start blogging on these topics.
My fear of being an arrogant, ignorant, and empty know-it-all.
Hid growth of confidence by feeding the fear of not knowing enough.
Yet in gaining perspective from an observation of a pattern,
I realized I would never have enough knowledge
for those looking to shrink my voice.
Sorry Ursula, not today or anymore.
My perspective shifted, to finding confidence, in knowing I have room to learn.
That I always will and if someone is serious about educating me, they won’t belittle me.
By accepting that I will never need to know everything,
I can want to learn everything but it is not needed,
because I am only human.
There is freedom from judgment in accepting strengths and weaknesses.
That is humanity’s most hidden form of peace.
Remove judgment and expectation of performance.
How would this look in society?
How would less fear shape society?
What would the less knee-jerk reaction to fake it to seem like one made it,
look on a wide scale in society?
What is a fear that is holding you back?
Where is judgment hiding in that?
How would you treat yourself, if you removed the pressure to perform to avoid judgment?
Would you be more patient with yourself, and with others?
Instead of singing along with Elsa, how would it personally look for you
to let go of the fear that is not teaching or protecting you?
Will you take back your voice from Ursula?