So this will be a brazen blog of the two buzzing bees that head, Worldwide Elopement Visuals. From the very beginning of our lover’s tale, we have been told we are the “honeymoon phase” couple. No matter how much we discussed our trials and tribulations. “Ooh you aren’t old enough to know ‘real struggle'” and “wait till kids”, “wait till ____, that honeymoon phase won’t last.” To which we have continually had to go, “we believe the honeymoon is a not phase, rather the destination you want to return to.” Officially getting together before our 22nd birthdays, we understood the age thing. Kind of. Because age is but a number, and not everyone decides to grow from struggles. Or let tough times make them tougher. So we understood the age, up until a point.
What we mainly did not understand, is WHY so many wanted us to be bitter and grumpy with one another.
Now approaching our 27th birthdays, we still don’t understand the “standard” of being grumpy with one another.
Nor the continued, “oh the honeymoon won’t last, be ready to last without it. Wait till you are older. Why aren’t you having kids yet? Wait till kids!!”
To which we, haughtily retort, “The. Honeymoon. is. not. a. PHASE. At least not for us.”
The Honeymoon is not a phase, the expectation of always being miserable but “happy together”, should be a phase… for high schoolers.
So many times people glorify “the old-timey love” without realizing the history. The number one reason why divorce rates were so low back in the day was that women held status from who they married. Ergo without that status, after divorce, they were nothing and had nothing. There were higher amounts of domestic violence not reported. Women were expected to stay tiny to be easily controlled and violently dominated. Add in the loss of status, THERE ARE MANY reasons why marriages “lasted longer than nowadays.“
So with all of that in mind, when we decided to rush off to a mountain top and say ” I do”.
There was first a discussion over divorce.
An oral prenup if you will type conversation.
We credit conversation for the reason why we keep choosing to make the honeymoon, not a phase.
As well as crediting it for making us prioritize acceptance of one another without complacency.
The conversation also paved the way to always leave room for an equal split in case short-term agitation turned into long-term bitterness.
Both of us realized before we got together, we did not want to be with someone just to gripe about them.
A leisurely “Oh they had their head up their butts this week” vs “just have come to accept that their heads will always be up their butts.”
Both of us had and have this “Life is short, I want you to have a happy life regardless of my role/place in it” mentality.
And apparently, that is loving fully and without selfishness.
So let’s get into this brazen blog.
The Honeymoon is not a phase, do not let life steal “romance” and feed into this “normal.”
Destination Elopement Photo + Video team discusses making a new romance “normal.”
We did not need to be 40+, married for 10+ years, or stay struggling with continued issues to have a “mature” relationship.
Let us just rip the bandaid off, IT IS A CHOICE, to be mature.
At any age, struggle, and or experience.
We’ve met people who are older than us, who use their age to mock and look down on us.
While not being healthy examples of “maturity” we ourselves would want to be known for.
We’ve met people younger than us that have chosen to be mature without struggles or hoards of trauma.
At the same time, we have met people of all ages lost in the mighty victim mentality which leaves little room for a mature mindset.
So let us repeat that statement.
It is a choice, to be mature.
This, therefore, leads to a decision to grow.
Which we vowed growth in 2017.
Growth is messy though.
By 2020 and finally doing the backyard ceremony we had discussed for years, we learned that the vow we both took, was not one of light, fluffy romance.
Choosing to grow through struggles and not just blame setbacks dramatically helped us keep the vow.
As well as tied back to the pre-elopement conversation.
We weren’t bitter with one another yet and still aren’t.
We weren’t shuffling around just with the title of wedded.
AND YET, because we weren’t miserable and touting around our frustrations that we were settling with instead of voicing…
“Oh just wait for” was a constant echo.
Yet no matter how much we talked about making our own version of normal, the more we were ignored.
Worse yet, sometimes scoffed at and “oh bless your heart.”
To which we calmly (sassily) retort:
PSA: Just because we do not believe the honeymoon is a phase, does not mean we are happy 24/7/365.
It simply means we do not need the honeymoon “phase” to find one another in a happy state.
Hi, a couple who goes to therapy together and solo, here to regurgitate information: we are not meant to feel happy, good, best of the best, daily or 24/7.
However, we are not meant to allow emotions to sweep us away, regardless of “good” or not.
Now is the time to dive deeper.
Much like the colors of the wind, and time painting light differently in a day…
We, humans, are meant to encompass a specter of emotions each day.
Once one acts on this fact, it is easier to roll with the punches.
As well as, get back up when knocked down.
Okay, let Mrs. B bust a move to explain better.
Mrs. B: We have all seen the quote, “it is not the stress but the reaction to stress that you deal with more” or something like that. Let me divulge more. Typically when something “bad” happens on a “good day” the freak out is larger. Time and time again, I and others around me have said, “Why can’t all the ‘bad’ happen on a bad day?” Just to counter say, “Why does all the bad keep happening?” When stuck in ebbs and not flows of life.
Now toxic positivity movement would have a girl boss figure run in and say “GET BACK UP, DONT LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT. COME ON PROVE THE HATERS WRONG, LETS GO GO GO GO!!!” Side note: girl boss mentality people really should go into the military because essentially they sound like peppy drill sergeants.
Anyhow, therapeutic people will tell you to sit and focus on your reaction to stress so as to not let every bad day stacked, feel like a cage. Or have a “good/easy” day be “ruined” because a “frustrating/bad” thing happened. There is a french saying that I have been enamored with as of late, “C’est la vie”. That’s life.
Life happens outside of the honeymoon phase. Life is meant to guide you to your final destination. That needs to be your paradise or “honeymoon.”
Single or coupled up, when the Honeymoon is just a phase for a taken person… people glorify singlehood. However when the focus is on leading a peaceful, balanced lifestyle that is enriched with things that feed your soul. One does not look to a person or friends, to make the honeymoon happen. One does not miss the peacefulness of a solo lifestyle. Because single or taken, the destination is the honeymoon phase, paradise if you will.
We both weren’t bitter about our life when we got together.
So again, we did not need to be “wiser than our years but you still have to wait for things to mature relationship” to know what we wanted in this relationship.
A popular quote that circulates on social media often is, “Don’t disrupt my peace/life if you are just bored/lonely.”
And we definitely operate off that, by making the Honeymoon a destination, not a phase.
Sure there will be rough days that the “spark” is not there.
However, for us, it just means we are in the waters that surround the island of Honeymoon.
Just need to swim back to shore.
We are focused on our individual efforts more.
Instead of being okay with bitterness brought in from rough waters.
Rather than be mad or bitter that the other one does not have all the answers, we focus on what we do so know we know what we need to research.
Both of our connection needs are one of helping and understanding.
Instead of expectations to “automatically” know, it is the SPOKEN expectation to be okay with what you do not know.
So that you can grow in knowledge without relying on a partner.
Now there are parameters, Becca doesn’t google tech problems and start diagnostics.
Knowing that drives Ben insane because you can make a problem worse.
Ben does not google “Photography hacks”.
Knowing that Becca knows most of the “hacks” are quacky lines of bs.
So although there is the expectation to learn more, we also weigh experience and knowledge of the other.
Yes, we also do not believe social media or google are doctors.
So we talk to our medical friends first, to learn how to tell doctors things in the best way possible.
That is the same respect we show one another!
Outside Perspectives can help, aka Therapy.
So as we have covered, part of the reason we return to the honeymoon is because of the groundwork put in to do so.
Our therapist says something like “You guys are very elastic, you seem to be able to return back together even after everything. Impressive.”
Then adds tips and ways to improve that elastic bounce back game even more.
Here is the thing, many people blame therapy for divorce.
Most believe talking about problems makes them worse.
So they don’t talk about issues but complain about one another to others.
Then later when therapy is used as the last result “to immediately” fix (spoiler alert, this is not how therapy works) divorce still happens.
Sweeping things under the rug for the simple sake of getting along or keeping a connection is not actually helping anyone.
Because as many divorcees can testify that last-minute ditch effort of therapy, turns into tempestuous time everywhere.
The best imagery to explain this is simple.
When there is a cut, you put an antibiotic and a bandaid on to prevent infection.
When you need stitches, they clean the wound first.
So each issue in a relationship is a fissure, that can lead to infection.
The sooner you can do couples therapy and solo therapy the better.
Because waiting to do therapy and not talking about things, is like sealing an infection in the wound.
Eventually, you’ll need or want to amputate.
“Sometimes everyone does the right thing and there is still a mess left to clean up.
Someone has to take responsibilty for it.”
In the time of glorifying the honeymoon phase, through social media and posting how great is ( and the pressure too),
there is a reason why Kristen Bell and Dax Shephard are so outspoken about their ebbs and flows.
In the time of “anything for the Gram” and “if you don’t post it people will speculate”, as well as, “everything has to be aesthetically pleasing be it real or not”…
There is pressure to have it all together, all of the time.
As well as your relationship has to be all together, all of the time.
Oh, it isn’t? Complain about it instead of fixing it by discussing it with one another.
That is normal.
So is letting affection die off and complacency thrive.
Yet posting about how great the relationship is going even if it is not well.
Okay, what we are doing as a society?
Glorifying not being happy, but still together?
The stigma around divorce needs to be demolished. So that couples can openly discuss it, marriage/long-term partnerships are hard.
Sometimes growth individually equates to growth away from one another.
It’s not the 1950s anymore.
Divorce doesn’t mean failure anymore.
Just like marriage no longer equates to a woman’s worth.
When marriage is a cage, unwanted pregnancy happens in order to “keep” the mirage alive.
Prayers for peace and help echo for eras.
When marriage is an oasis of paradise amongst the ebbs and flow of life, complacency loses hold.
Prayers and thoughts of gratefulness build onto the foundation.
All of this to say, in a time when divorce happens.
Couples ought to have more freedom in discussing contingency plans.
Just like in this day and age how one is more likely to become homeless than a millionaire.
Couples are more likely to break up, and divorce, now than before.
Not because there is not enough faith, love, or commitment, rather marriage is no longer a cage of status.
Does it suck to restart? Yes.
Does it also suck to stay where you are unhappy? Also yes.
Choose your hard. Life will never be easy. It will always be hard. But we can choose our hard.
So stop acting like bitterness and long-term unhappiness is what makes the marriage last.
Start acting like the honeymoon is the destination, and life is the journey there.
Suffice to say, when delight is treated like a place where all of us belong.
We do not need it to be found during a phase of a honeymoon.
Okay, so after all of these words are typed. We hope this point here is loud and clear.
Life is too short to spend it miserable, unhappy (together or alone).
We are the creators of our emotional reactions.
Ergo it is our job to discover their root in ourselves.
Just posting about being happy, might hit the brain chemicals temporarily.
However, being actually happy is a way bigger need.
Than getting “liked” and “praised” for something that truly isn’t serving you.
Life is entrapping enough, no monogamy is not dead, but it should not be a trap either.
The following quote was seen in Colorado Sunflower Couple Photo Blog, which prompted us to write this one.
“The Honeymoon phase does not exist when you fall for someone who is dedicated to making you feel loved and admired the ENTIRE time you’re theirs.
That is the defintion of unconditional love.
Stop normalizing the loss of affection in realtionships, that is a choice, not a phase.”
Brazen and buzzing blog completed:
The honeymoon is not a phase, and you will not change our minds.
Even if we hope this blog will help change other minds.
Especially with mounting movements echoing this same message.
With how short life is, why wait to be complacent.
The little time on this earth should be focused on enjoying as much of it as possible.
Not chained to something not serving you, for the simple sake of bragging for tolerating it so long.
And for those of you who read this and have a knee-jerk “Oh honey no”, if you are okay with griping and being cranky.
You. Do. You.
However, if others want different then it is not the time to say :
“But we have always done it this way.”
Where is your lover’s tale taking us?
Till Next Buzz, honeybees!
Gotta go make art from love as an artist with a camera.