The only BS any of us need is good Boundaries and Standards.
Now that I have your attention, did you answer the question from the last blog? Did you find what makes you interesting? What was your standard for it? Meaning, what was deemed not interesting? That is just as important as what is. Why? Because that is preference. Which is a marvelous starting point for boundary setting. Which helps with standard creating.
Judgment is key, to good Boundaries and Standards.
Although boundaries and standards are this week’s topic, hoping that you all are enjoying this journey with this series. I know it has been an interesting time since the first blog of the year, Don’t Judge. Yet in that blog, it discussed not just using judgment to discriminate, but to evaluate. The perk of passing “good” judgment, allows for guilt-free knowledge of standards. Which is derived from good judgment in making boundaries found from interesting preferences that better your life.
So let’s revisit the judgment blog. In a nutshell: judgment used to help take lessons learned and turn them into boundaries over how each of us wants to be treated and treat others– good judgment, which starts from our preference through each of our history. Judgment used to belittle others or discriminate against someone else’s boundaries and standards, NOT COOL.
I repeat, not cool ghost rider, NOT COOL.
“But Becca, what if they go against my boundaries first?”
Listen, as someone who writes letters and gives space and slowly adjusts boundaries after someone apologizes for breaking boundaries… getting even is not what “better/good” judgment or boundaries are about. However, “better” and “good” judgment is about personal preference over the treatment given to, as well as treatment received from you. I have a strict boundary that just promising changed behavior when apologizing is not enough from either myself or others.
Someone does not have to remind me of my promises to change when I apologize and even unintentionally hurt someone. Ergo, I do not want to nag someone and remind someone of their promises to me. I am not their boss, parent, elder, or above them. Therefore, I should not have to nag, remind, and or justify my still hurt emotions from unchanged behavior. I have the patience to wait for change, I know it does not happen overnight, however, I do have a limit, therefore, I will not regret the time given. Notice a pattern? These boundaries are based on preferences for self, and from self first.
Judgment from preferences teaches each individual how to feel, and what they enjoy (or not) feeling.
Therefore “good” use of judgment is rooted in preference.
However, patience in getting to know ourselves is the most interesting and intelligent gift we can give ourselves.
So that the foundation is there, ready to set boundaries and create standards for the ultimate peaceful life.
What is a boundary?
Boundaries are designed to keep one’s self-love intact and prevent manipulation or violation of said self-love. Here is where preference becomes handy with judgment. Preferences create precedence based on enjoyment or frustration, typically the carrot is preferred instead of sticks. The old saying, “you attract more with honey”, but apply it solely to one’s self. What is behavior that brings joy?
Therapists have stated, “boundaries are the pathway that we use to interact with others but also what we allow others to interact with us.”
This quote always brings peace for decisions made, building confidence in creating boundaries. At the end of the day, the judgment line over preferred treatment and benefit is the beginning of making healthy boundaries. So what are boundaries from self, that would bring pride and better trust in self? How do these behaviors look in day-to-day life? What is the outcome of these self-imposed boundaries? How would they benefit your emotions?
Now from those self boundaries, what is allowed from others?
Over the years, I’ve been told how nice it is to hear vocalized boundaries so bluntly put. Yet that praise often turns sour when I stick to those boundaries later, even after I have sat and tried to ask questions to understand why the violation of boundaries happened. Yes, you can be kind and try to understand injury, and still have insult added when you keep to said boundaries. Absolutely yes, boundaries come at a price at upsetting the folk who want to be exceptions to your boundaries while wanting theirs respected. On the flip side, I’ve also been hailed as someone easy to understand. Due to no games, it is easy to see the accepted path. Funny enough, the more I’ve been the “bad guy” for sticking to boundaries, the more I have found a crowd that does not need a map to find the accepted path.
I have reason to believe it is because once one starts getting to know themselves, they know how to understand others better. In not making exceptions for self or others, standards are made from (typically) mutual boundaries.
This article is a list of boundaries set by others, and how they created a standard of treatment. Some at low costs, some at more.
What is a Standard?
Standards are the qualities that are there before you entertain the prospect of a relationship– platonic or romantic. Some of those qualities might even be mutual boundaries. The easiest standard is how one treats themselves. Do they keep their word, regardless of circumstance? Do they try to understand themselves or just shamefully judge? How do they keep boundaries without exceptions? What vocabulary is used when they describe themselves? Those who have good boundaries with themselves, typically have good standards due to easily being able to meet the boundaries and standards of others. Often without a map to the “accepted” path. Due to prior knowledge of boundaries and standards, they enjoy themselves.
Society has been taught to focus on materialistic standards. However, how one holds themselves is way more important than anything they could own. Solely because if the only thing interesting about someone is their expensive stuff or trips, are they really interesting, or did they pay to be relatable and cool? Taking away all the glitz and glam, how someone stands without it all, is the most telling standard. As it has been noted numerous times: stuff doesn’t keep anyone happy for long.
Take away point?
Spend less time focused on what material things pronounce someone’s stage of life, and spend more time looking where their soul and heart are during the never-ending healing journey.
Stuff can be bought and easily impresses, yet growth impresses even more and can not be bought.
Boundaries vs Standards.
How are they different?
Boundaries are from you, for you.
Standards are for others and help keep your boundaries.
Now I know I have stated that preference starts with personal boundaries and then personal boundaries lead to creating standards. However, preferences should not be based solely on materialistic or physical aspects.
For clarification purposes, the preference of behavior is not liking lying or breaking words. So a personal boundary from that preference is not making promises you can not keep to prevent fear of failure and feeling the urge to lie about outcomes or reasons for failure; as well as not overselling, to begin with, just because the ego wants to be fluffed into sounding at a different life stage or more experienced. So then a standard is sitting with the crowd that encourages honesty and acceptance, and live openly honest about their own life. Not sitting with people who want to appear better off than they are. The standard helps keep boundaries by not sitting with people who feed into the fear of not being able to “keep up”. Which feeds into the preferred behavior from self, of not overselling, or making promises one can not keep.
In case things are still foggy, here is a link for even more clarification. To sum up the article, boundaries and standards are what makes us able to find our people and person.
Better Boundaries and Standards, make a better you; you’ll make better connections.
For years the internet has regurgitated the phrase, “the more authentic you are, the ‘cooler’ you are.” By being one’s true self, one is truly vulnerable and allows others to see where standards and boundaries are mutual. Erasing the fear of falling out later, allows for more connections to be made. Yes being accepted is nice, but being wanted for simply being you, is even more important.
Boundaries and Standards are the best way to have compatibility and relatability with those one surrounds themselves with. If there is to be a promoted cool kid table, it should be of the ones who have sat with themselves and first. Then slowly those people from their cool kid table, can wave and see if their boundaries and standards allow for a peaceful connection. Thus forming THE ultimate cool-kid table. Keeping the reminder on the table, that one does not need to appear “cool” to join. Just to be themselves and share mutual “coolness”.
Mutual coolness is the patience to learn from their judgment, regret, as well as fear– and let boundaries and standards form from dating themselves before trying to join tables. Not from the need to sit at another cool-kid table, but rather join tables and make space for others. This holiday season, let this blog be a reminder to date yourself and allow room for growth and trust that it makes you pretty dang cool all on your own. It is just nice to share it with others and embrace their coolness.